Paper Altars

It was a hot August afternoon when I finally told God that I was mad at him. 

I was driving home the hour long commute, yet again, for my job that’s 58 miles away from my townhouse – a small townhouse I didn’t want to be living in anymore but couldn’t afford to move elsewhere – to have dinner alone because my husband had a meeting and our efforts at growing our family failed once again. 

“God, I know you’re good, but right now it doesn’t feel like you’re being good to me,” I said as hot tears escaped with my first honest sentence to Him in months. “I didn’t want to tell you because it seems so selfish and immature, but I am so tired of waiting. Mountains aren’t moving. I am drained constantly. I am angry constantly. I know you promise strength for today and hope for tomorrow, but those promises are far from me right now. I don’t want to live like this anymore.” 

Then He said something I didn’t expect. “Steward well that which I have given you today.” 

I have been meditating on that for the last 4 months – Steward well what has been given to you today. There’s been a shift in my spirit. It didn’t happen overnight, and circumstances haven’t changed a whole lot, but here’s what stewarding this present moment has taught me:

1. Heart posture and attitude about my circumstances are up to me. I was letting my disappointments dictate my disposition, and y’all, it was ugly. And it wasn’t good. And it harmed myself and those around me. I was sucking life out of the air instead of being a wellspring of life. 
2. Holding onto anger and holding out from God, even the uncomfortable thoughts against Him, is a form of pride. Holding on means I think I can work it out myself, and I don’t really trust Him to do it for me. 
3. I was too focused on what I wanted to be grateful for all the wonderful blessings I had. Yes, the job is far but I love the work and the people there. Yes, the townhouse is small, but for where we are right now, it is sufficient. Yes, our hearts ache for a little family, but God has given us so many people to love on in the waiting. 
4. I was believing a lie. I wasn’t guarding my thoughts or taking false ones captive. I wasn’t refuting bad thoughts with truth found in scripture. I wasn’t fighting. I was undisciplined in what I allowed my mind to ponder on. 

So, as we move forward into a new year, I will continue to steward well what I have been given today. I will let my mind rest on His unfailing, true, and beautiful Words. I will seek first His kingdom, and I will know that He is good.